Not Enough

Not Enough

I worry so much that neither of my girls are getting everything they need from me. Especially Briana. I feel like, since Chelsea has been born, Briana feels desperate for more attention. It makes me feel bad that she doesn’t feel she is getting enough. I try hard, I do, but the baby takes such short naps, and when she’s up she is my superglue baby, never wanting to be far from me and needing so much attention.

Some days I do better than others. Today I felt like I didn’t do very well.

I think it may be time to plan something for just Bri and me to do together, and find someone to keep the baby for a couple of hours. Maybe take her to the park if the weather is nice, or take her swimming at our apartment complex pool. I don’t know. Just do something with just the two of us. I miss that with her. And I know she misses it, too.

She is handling the change, the switch from being an only child to a sister, really well. But she is still only three. I was watching her sleep for a moment when I checked on her before I went to bed, and it really hit me how young she still is. She’s not much more than a baby herself, and I’m asking so much of her…I mean, not too much, not being unrealistic or anything. But it’s a big deal learning how to be patient and learning how to share toys and learning how to share your mommy and daddy when you had them all to yourself for two and a half years. I’ve started picking her up and carrying her around sometimes again, like I do with Chelsea, and it just makes her whole face light up. I can’t carry her for long though…she’s so tall and she’s getting too heavy for me, with my non-muscles from my non-workouts.

I just want both of my kids to feel loved, and lately I feel there isn’t enough of me to go around. It’s frustrating. Hopefully, as Chelsea gets a little older, she will be a little more independent and I can start spreading my attention a bit more evenly. Until then, I’ll just worry that I’m scarring both of them for life. (That’s a joke…kind of.)

Kids Grow Up Too Fast

Kids Grow Up Too Fast

I love it when my daughter hands out hugs and kisses, and lately, she hands out A LOT of them!

She is just the sweetest little girl ever. She runs up to me while I am doing dishes or making lunch or doing laundry, and she hugs my legs and giggles. When I turn around and swoop her up and give her a hug and tell her I love her, she gives me a big kiss complete with sound effects (“MWAH”) and giggles again, often leaning back in for a second or even third kiss before wiggling to get down. Once she’s on the floor, she’s off and running again, but not for long before coming back for more hugs and kisses.

I love how affectionate and loving she is. I love that she isn’t shy about doling out that affection to her daddy and me. Not to mention her grandparents and other relatives…and her stuffed toys and dolls! Today I even saw her hugging a blanket. It’s so cute!

She is just full of surprises. Like, today, I finally figured out that one of the words she’s been trying so hard to say for three days is “share.” I figured this out as she insistently pointed at the soda I was drinking and repeatedly said “sure, sure, sure.” And then she made the sound she makes when she’s thirsty. “No, mama’s not going to share that, baby. Drink your milk.” And she did. I can’t believe how fast her vocabulary is growing. And how quickly her babyish characteristics disappeared.

I was telling David the other day that we need to convert her crib to a toddler bed. He shook his head in denial, and I asked him why. He said “Well, aside from the fact that I don’t want to admit she isn’t a baby anymore, how in the world are we going to keep her in bed?” Good question? It’s just about time to pack away her high chair, too, and put her booster seat on one of the dining room chairs. She really likes sitting at the table with us. Where did the time go? Where is that little newborn I just put to bed last night?!

She’s changing so fast. Growing up, learning new things every day, testing limits. I am so not ready for this.

A Mom Who Isn’t Ready¬†

Miss B Bee

Miss B Bee

To My Darling Daughter,

Tonight, you woke up twice, crying out for me. I went to you, checked your diaper, offered you a drink. You didn’t need a diaper, you didn’t need a drink. I picked you up out of your crib, and you dragged your blanket with you.

I held you close, and you snuggled closer. You didn’t need anything. You just wanted to snuggle.

I sat down in our rocking chair, and we both got comfortable. You stretched yourself out, with your head snuggled next to my chest, and your legs hanging off of my lap. I remember when you were born, and I would swaddle you up and you would snuggle on my chest and not even reach my lap.

We rocked and rocked and snuggled. I sang your favorite lullaby. You touched my face and patted my arm. Your eyes started to close.

I stood up and walked to your crib. You grabbed a fistful of my shirt. You didn’t want me to put you down. I didn’t want to put you down yet either. Cradling you in my arms, I realized how fast you are growing. I realized that soon, you will be too big to cradle like a baby anymore; in fact, you’re close to being too big already.

You drifted off to sleep, but I held you for a little while longer, watching you sleep. Enjoying being your mommy. Getting my B snuggles in while I can.

I put you back in your crib and tiptoed out of the room.

When you woke up again an hour later, we repeated the process, only this time, we both fell asleep in the rocking chair. When I woke up a few minutes later, you had snuggled your face against mine, and you had your little hand wrapped up in my shirt again.

Since you’ll only be this small for a little while longer, since you’re growing up so fast, since I’m missing too many moments and opportunities to just enjoy holding you…I let you sleep on my shoulder for half an hour before I could force myself to gently put you back in your bed, so we could both get some proper sleep.

It’s the little moments, baby girl, more than anything, that make me so happy, so incredibly grateful, make me feel so lucky to be your mommy. You make my heart feel full, little one. You make mama’s heart happy.

Thank you for the snuggles. Thank you for the loves. Thank you baby, just for being you.

I love you,

Mommy