Not Enough

Not Enough

I worry so much that neither of my girls are getting everything they need from me. Especially Briana. I feel like, since Chelsea has been born, Briana feels desperate for more attention. It makes me feel bad that she doesn’t feel she is getting enough. I try hard, I do, but the baby takes such short naps, and when she’s up she is my superglue baby, never wanting to be far from me and needing so much attention.

Some days I do better than others. Today I felt like I didn’t do very well.

I think it may be time to plan something for just Bri and me to do together, and find someone to keep the baby for a couple of hours. Maybe take her to the park if the weather is nice, or take her swimming at our apartment complex pool. I don’t know. Just do something with just the two of us. I miss that with her. And I know she misses it, too.

She is handling the change, the switch from being an only child to a sister, really well. But she is still only three. I was watching her sleep for a moment when I checked on her before I went to bed, and it really hit me how young she still is. She’s not much more than a baby herself, and I’m asking so much of her…I mean, not too much, not being unrealistic or anything. But it’s a big deal learning how to be patient and learning how to share toys and learning how to share your mommy and daddy when you had them all to yourself for two and a half years. I’ve started picking her up and carrying her around sometimes again, like I do with Chelsea, and it just makes her whole face light up. I can’t carry her for long though…she’s so tall and she’s getting too heavy for me, with my non-muscles from my non-workouts.

I just want both of my kids to feel loved, and lately I feel there isn’t enough of me to go around. It’s frustrating. Hopefully, as Chelsea gets a little older, she will be a little more independent and I can start spreading my attention a bit more evenly. Until then, I’ll just worry that I’m scarring both of them for life. (That’s a joke…kind of.)

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I’m ready.

I’m ready.

I am ready to bring you home little girl, in my arms instead of this gigantic baby belly that makes me so tired. I am ready to see your face and count your fingers and toes, to see whether you have as much hair as your older sister did, to kiss your little nose. I am ready to see your pretty eyes and introduce myself to you. I am ready to hold your hands in mine, to sing you a song, to hold you close.

I am ready to introduce you to your sister. I can’t wait to see her reaction to you. She loves babies, you know. I’ll try to make her give you some room, but you should expect lots of kisses and hugs. She will call you “baby sister” for a while until we can get her to say your name. I hope that’s okay. She’s very excited about you.

I’m a little nervous about having two babies to take care of, so I hope you’ll be patient with me. (Your sister isn’t really a baby anymore, but you are both my babies, and that’s just how it will always be.) Sometimes I may do the wrong thing, or cry because I’m tired and overwhelmed, or take too long to figure out what you are trying to tell me. I promise I will do my best to be a good mommy to you, and to your sister, too.

I hope you don’t mind that a lot of your stuff used to belong to your sister. We got you some new stuff, too! Your sister likes your zebra bedding. She asked if she could have it, but we told her it was for her sister. She was okay with that, but she still likes to come into our room to look at it. We decided you deserved to have some stuff that was just yours, brand new. We hope you like it, too!

Are you ready to greet the world, baby girl? It’s a big place, but don’t worry. I’m here, and so is your daddy, and your sister. We will watch out for you and keep you safe, and we already love you more than you can possibly know! (You’ve got grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends eagerly awaiting your arrival as well!)

I am trying to enjoy these last couple weeks when I know that you are as safe as you will ever be, all mine for just a little longer, not having to share you with anyone, well-nourished and content in there. But it’s so hard when I am feeling so impatient to meet you, officially, as it were. When we can both see each other instead of just feeling movements and wondering what in the world the other is doing.

Please let me meet you soon, baby girl. I’m so ready for you!

Ready Mama

Good Surprises, Baby’s Name, and Briana Updates!

Good Surprises, Baby’s Name, and Briana Updates!

Today, we received our lease renewal offer from our apartment complex. We were expecting a huge jump in rent due to our apartment complex’s website’s stated “market rate,” and many of our neighbors moving and telling us rent was climbing too high to afford living here. I was prepared for the worst, and feeling completely overwhelmed about moving in the middle of a pregnancy and with David being unemployed. I expected at least a one hundred-dollar jump, but was actually expecting more along the lines of two or three hundred dollars.

So imagine my pleasant surprise to discover they had only upped rent by about twenty dollars, plus parking!

I feel so relieved. That is one ginormous load off of my shoulders. We’ve decided to renew our lease and stay here for at least another year. The baby will be in our room for at least a year anyway, and even after she turns one, she can share a room with Briana until we get our feet under us and are ready to move to a different place. Hopefully by then we’ll be able to rent a house, at the very least. I have to repair my credit before we can purchase. Sad day. But anyway.

Knowing that we’re staying here, I can stop feeling so stuck when it comes to figuring out how to prepare for baby! Before I felt like I couldn’t do anything, because what was the point of rearranging and reorganizing if we were going to have to pack everything up and move anyway?

David finding out that we were staying resulted in a very relieved expression and a visible relaxation in his shoulders…followed by him looking a wee bit harried as I started expounding upon all of my plans for organizing the apartment and our porch storage unit, downsizing and getting rid of some shelving that takes up too much space, de-cluttering everything, and rearranging our bedroom. I’d guess his stress comes from him knowing I’ll need a lot of help, and be giving him lists of projects, haha. Poor guy. He’s not a fan of change, even change as small as rearranging furniture.

Another positive today was my new breast pump showing up in the mail. My insurance covered it fully, and the company I ordered it through didn’t even charge shipping and handling! How cool is that? They also sent me six bottles for free, I’m guessing just because I ordered it through them instead of trying to figure out insurance by myself? Whatever the reason, it’s always nice to get free things, especially when it’s something I know we’ll use. I plan on exclusively breastfeeding, but I also want David and Briana to be able to get in on the feeding action, and having the bottles is handy!

Finding out that we have a place to live for the next year put me in a completely different mindset today. I don’t feel quite so overwhelmed. David’s unemployment claim was also processed, so soon we will have a small amount of money coming in from that, which will help with not falling so completely behind while he looks for a new job. We have two really good ones that we are keeping our fingers crossed for, and then two that are kind of “meh” but that he would accept just in the meantime while looking for something better. Keep us in your thoughts!

I realized that I never shared our baby girl’s name with you guys yesterday, because I was so overwhelmed about the apartment thing. We have decided to name her Chelsea Rose. Chelsea is after my very close friend (who is also Briana’s godmother, and will be little Chelsea’s godmother as well), and Rose is after my husband’s grandmother, Rosie. We’re very excited to have another little girl. I’ve gone a bit crazy today since we found out we’re staying here, pulling out boxes of clothes and toys, sorting through everything. I’m glad that we are having another girl, because we can re-use everything. I would have been thrilled to have a boy, too, but it would have meant a lot of extra money to shell out for clothes and car seats and…everything. Hardly anything that we have from Briana is gender neutral. She was very much dressed in pink, girly stuff most of the time, and even her infant car seat has a pink plaid pattern!

I ordered a baby book for Chelsea already, I guess some people call them “memory books” but I think of them as baby books. It’s by the same company that made the one we used for Briana. I LOVE their products. C. R. Gibson has amazing quality stuff. If you’re looking for a good memory/baby book, go Google them! They’re a little more expensive than what you might find at Target or Wal-Mart, but the quality is great. (There’s my product plug, heh heh.)

I am sorry that my blog has been so negative for the past few posts. Life isn’t horrible, it’s just stressful right now. I’m truly trying to stay positive, but sometimes the fear and negativity takes over. And since I’m trying not to stress out the people I love, it has to have an outlet somewhere, and that’s usually my blog, unfortunately. Please try to stick around. I promise I will not be so doom and gloom ALL the time. 😀

Let’s see. A quick update on Miss Bri Bee before I go. Her vocabulary is expanding so rapidly that I literally cannot keep track of all the new words she throws at us in a day. Today alone I think I heard at least five new words and two or three new “phrases” that she has picked up from us. It’s mind-blowing! I love how quickly she learns, she’s like a little sponge.

She’s also definitely testing limits and pushing boundaries lately, figuring out how far she can go before we stop her. We’ve set firm limits and stick to them, and that seems to help. She pushes right up to the edge of the boundary, and sometimes puts a foot over, but when she knows she’s crossed the line, she gets her act together pretty quickly. She has learned how to say “I’m sorry,” and although sometimes she tests my patience and makes me want to scream, when I hear her little voice pipe up and say “I’m sorry, mama,” without prompting or pushing, it makes everything okay again. We’re trying to encourage her to use her words, and she’s trying really hard to do that. Except when she gets really angry or frustrated, and then she does the temper tantrum thing…we’re working on it.

It’s hard to give her the tools I know she needs, when the need for the words and tools doesn’t come up until she’s too upset to listen and absorb. I don’t know that prime teaching time is when she’s kicking her limbs and flailing about on the floor, hitting at anything or anyone that comes close to her. So I stand back and wait until she’s a tiny bit calmer and then kneel down and talk to her. “It’s okay to be angry (or frustrated or sad or whatever), but it’s not okay to hit (or bite or kick or run away or not listen). Okay? Let’s try to use our words next time. Say ‘I’m mad’ (or ‘I’m sad’) instead of .” I hope that’s helping. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to myself, and I don’t really know if it’s an effective way to teach her, but darnit, I’m trying! I want to be a good mom. I try really hard to do the right thing. I worry that I don’t do the right thing more often than I do, but part of that is just me being hard on myself, I think.

Briana keeps running up to me and saying “Kiss the baby?” And then she likes to pull up my shirt and kiss my expanding baby bump. It’s adorable. I don’t know if she truly understands yet that there is going to be another baby in the house and she is going to be a big sister, but whenever we talk about the baby, she gets really excited. She loves babies, and she asks about her baby cousin (he’s about a year and a half old now) a lot and loves seeing him, but I don’t know how she’ll be when the baby is actually living in the house!

Briana is still obsessed with the Frozen soundtrack, and insists on listening to it every time we are in the car, but at home she is more into Daniel Tiger, Sofia the First, Doc McStuffins, and The Lion King right now. Thank goodness. I still love the Frozen movie, but I’m glad for a break from watching it so often.

I’m trying to figure out when we should potty train Briana. I tried on a whim today putting her in some underwear and taking her to the bathroom every half hour or so, but she didn’t pee on the toilet. She peed her underwear and then didn’t tell me about it. She didn’t act bothered at all by the wetness, so I’m guessing that might mean she isn’t quite ready? I’m very intimidated by potty-training. She did use the bathroom later in the evening, but that was after I had put her back in a diaper, and she randomly announced she wanted to use the potty. *sigh* I know we’ll get there eventually, but I was kind of hoping it would happen before Chelsea was born. I guess we still have about 20 weeks to make it happen. 😀

That’s all I can really think of for now, and I guess the blog is getting kind of long today. Hope you’ve enjoyed it more than the last couple though! I’ll be back soon with more updates. 😀