I’m Doing Everything Wrong

Sometimes, I worry that I am screwing up my kids. That I’m doing everything wrong, and some day they will get a therapist and their therapist will tell them that their issues stem from me being a bad mother.

Some of that is standard mom worry, I think. But some of it…? I don’t know. I am not a great mom.

I’ve gotten bad about yelling. I ask something of them calmly two or three times, and then I get frustrated because they aren’t listening, and instead of really getting their attention and helping them focus, I explode.

I immediately feel awful, and I apologize for losing my temper. But I hate that. I hate the example I am giving them when instead of being patient with them, I yell.

I know timeouts don’t work with my kids, but I’ve been falling back into the habit of using them out of desperation. When I’m holding onto control with the bare edges of my fingertips, putting them on timeout and giving myself time to calm down seems easiest in the moment.

But really, banishing them to their room every time I get angry doesn’t accomplish anything except to make them feel frustrated and turn getting them into their room a whole other battle.

Especially Miss B. She and I are so much alike. All she wants is to feel like I hear her. And I know that. So why is it so hard when my temper is flaring to acknowledge what she is saying and reassure her that I hear her? That I’m not ignoring what she is saying, but I need her to hear me?

And Miss C is almost three and going through her “why” phase. I’m trying so hard to give her real answers, but eventually I just say “because” or “that’s just the way it is.” I don’t want to discourage her from asking questions, but I mean…how much detail can one possibly go into about why we have to go pick up her daddy from work or why her sister goes to school? I give a LOT of answers before resorting to “because.” Good grief. She’s inexhaustible.

Miss E, my one year old, has started scratching my face in addition to hitting me and biting me. I know it’s a stage that will hopefully pass quickly, but it’s making me so angry this time around and I know my reactions are exacerbating the problem. Ugh!

I think I have Burnt Out Mommy Syndrome. I’ve been trying to schedule some things for me lately, to get out and spend time with friends and do things for myself. I got my hair cut and styled a couple weeks ago and I love it. I also bought myself makeup with the help of two of my friends and started wearing it nearly every day…I’ve never done my own makeup before, and I’m about to turn 30!

So…weekly goals for this week:

1) Take at least fifteen minutes to myself every day.

2) Do not yell at the kids.

3) Use consequences that work instead of timeouts that don’t.

4) Unpack one box a day from our move.

I’ll check in and let you know how that actually works out.

In the meantime, I’m going to eat this butterscotch pudding and watch a Disney movie. 💕