We are having another girl! I am very excited, and so is my husband. Psyched in fact. We have already picked out her name, and I am over the moon about Briana having a sister. I always wished for a sister growing up. I loved my two brothers (still do, hehe), but having a sister would have been nice. I’m jealous of the relationships that a lot of people I know have with their sisters. Even when they are fighting like cats and dogs, they love each other and are there no matter what. And there’s just something special about a relationship between sisters. I’m glad that Briana won’t miss out on that.
Having another girl is exciting just in and of itself, too. I get to say “my daughters” now. 🙂 I picked up two small little tiny newborn outfits for our baby girl at Target the other day. She will mostly live in her older sister’s hand-me-downs, at least for the first few years, but I wanted her to have a few new things to call her own. She’ll also be using her sister’s old infant seat (it’s not expired until 2017, I checked), her sisters old crib, Rock n Play Sleeper, bouncy seat, and the list goes on…It’s nice to not have to put out a bunch of money to buy new non-pink items.
Speaking of money…
Hubby still has not found a new job. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but we’ve had a couple of really exciting opportunities crop up…and then let us down. It’s frustrating. With a baby on the way and a probable move needing to happen in February, we are left with my piddly income, not sure when unemployment will come in, not sure what our income will be when he finds another job, worried about maternity leave and where we will be living when the baby comes…
He doesn’t know it, but I broke down in tears tonight. I was searching online for apartments, and I realized that, without another source of income other than mine, we will qualify for practically nothing. Here we are, needing a bigger place, and I’m sitting here going “we won’t even be able to afford a SMALLER place!”
I am trying to have faith that everything will work out for the best. Trying my darndest. But with a two-year old and a baby on the way, it’s really difficult to survive on just hoping.
There are places where rent is based on income, but those places have long waiting lists. I’m calling tomorrow to put my name on ALL of them in the area, but I honestly doubt that, without some kind of miracle, our name will make it to the top of the list inside six months. And we need to move next month. So, you know, you see how this is going?
I am just feeling so completely and totally overwhelmed. I’ve been praying for a solution, hoping, praying, hoping, praying, screaming and yelling and crying and raging and begging…for two years now. I’ve been trying to be faithful that everything will work out. And it’s NOT.
This is a new year. This is GOING to be our year. It HAS to be. I am tired of trying so hard to make everything work, climbing those stairs day after day, throwing my whole self into keeping our lives in some semblance of order, and having everything crumble under my feet time and time and time again.
I think it’s hitting me so hard this time because I finally allowed myself to hope. I finally told myself “everything really is getting better!” David was working, feeling better, working HARD, and we were finally starting to pay off tiny amounts of debt and get caught up on bills, I was finally starting to feel like we had this in the bag, and then WHAMMO everything crumbled again, and it hit me three times as hard as it would have if I hadn’t let myself BELIEVE everything was getting better.
What’s really hilarious, in a sad kind of way, is that we are currently 100% caught up on bills, excepting our credit cards which are ludicrously behind. So, with David’s final paycheck, which did not have any kind of bonus or vacation time, just his pay for his last two weeks of work, we were there. We got caught up. We still needed to work out the credit cards, but our vital bills, our rent and electricity, our phones and car payment, EVERYTHING is caught up right now. And because David got laid off, we are RIGHT back at square one starting on the first after we pay rent.
I am feeling so defeated.
I’m sorry for ranting, this is getting repetitive. Next time I blog I promise to try to be more positive and upbeat and talk all about baby stuff and toddler stuff and mom stuff.
But right now, this is real life stuff. And I just need it to get better.