I’m ready to win the Lottery…

I’m ready to win the Lottery…

You know that old saying, when one door closes, another opens?

I’m ready to start seeing those doors open.

I’ve seen door after door after door slam shut in my face for the last couple of years, and today a door slammed that all but broke my nose.

My husband got laid off from his job. We were just starting to get our feet back under us. We were getting caught up. We were feeling like we could see the light at the end of the long, dark, treacherous tunnel. And now this. Pitch black again in an instant. A baby on the way, rent going up in a couple months, and no job for David.

I’m really starting to wonder what I did to piss off the universe.

Where are OUR open doors? Where are OUR opportunities? Where are OUR lucky breaks? Why does life continually kick me in the face when I start to feel optimistic?

So, here’s how I feel life has gone…

We had a baby. We were on top of the world! I was able to take 7 and a half months off of work to just be her mama.

I went back to work. It broke my heart.

We lost the only apartment that has ever felt like home. I still get weepy when I talk about moving out of the home we brought Briana home to.

David had a breakdown for then unknown reasons. He was unable to work.

We lost the apartment we had moved into after we lost our Dream Apartment. We also lost our independence, and had to depend on my in-laws for a place to live.

David got diagnosed. He was devastated. I was relieved to at least know what was happening. His diagnosis caused him to withdraw even further from being able to work with any regularity.

We thought everything was getting better. We felt safe enough to move out. We got our current place.

David had another set of mini-breakdowns, and we’ve had to rely heavily on our families to stay afloat. I have hated every second of being dependent on others to survive. I have hated picking up the phone to ask for yet another loan. I have cried myself to sleep thinking about how I don’t know when we will be able to pay our families back.

We lost Riley. I had my own mini-breakdown. I didn’t stop working while I had it, but my performance at work suffered and my hours were cut. I yelled a lot at David and Briana. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control, and the loss of Riley was definitely the last straw. I felt like it was our turn to catch a break.

We found out we are expecting again. It gave David the boost he needed to get back on track at work. We started getting caught up on bills. Life was improving.

And now…this. David got laid off. Our lives are again two steps away from being a hurricane of uncertainty.

Living like this is so hard. I come from a background of financial instability. My senior year of high school, we lived three months with no electricity, and just before I graduated we were evicted.

So David losing his job is scary, for so many more reasons than having a baby on the way and being financially unstable. It brings back that fear from when I was a kid. It makes me scared for Briana. It makes me think of the summer I lived in a Motel 6 and didn’t know when we would ever have another place. It makes me remember being hungry. It makes me remember taking cold showers and dragging my laundry to friends houses.

It makes me angry.

But mostly, it just makes me feel like I’m 17 and feeling so helpless and not knowing what to do. It makes me wonder if I’m setting my own kids up to fail by not providing for them. It makes me feel stupid for not knowing what I want to do for a career and stupid for not being in school, and angry that I can’t afford school.

In essence, I feel, pardon my language, pretty fucking useless.

David gets a few weeks of pay as a severance package, and there’s unemployment. He will find another job. I might look at getting a second job. Maybe something from home. I feel so lost.

Putting on a “We will be fine” upbeat attitude for David is great, and knowing he doesn’t read my blog or log onto Facebook means I can vent without wariness. But…dammit. I am so sick of life. So very sick of it.


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