Mommy as a Human

I’m ready to win the Lottery…

You know that old saying, when one door closes, another opens?

I’m ready to start seeing those doors open.

I’ve seen door after door after door slam shut in my face for the last couple of years, and today a door slammed that all but broke my nose.

My husband got laid off from his job. We were just starting to get our feet back under us. We were getting caught up. We were feeling like we could see the light at the end of the long, dark, treacherous tunnel. And now this. Pitch black again in an instant. A baby on the way, rent going up in a couple months, and no job for David.

I’m really starting to wonder what I did to piss off the universe.

Where are OUR open doors? Where are OUR opportunities? Where are OUR lucky breaks? Why does life continually kick me in the face when I start to feel optimistic?

So, here’s how I feel life has gone…

We had a baby. We were on top of the world! I was able to take 7 and a half months off of work to just be her mama.

I went back to work. It broke my heart.

We lost the only apartment that has ever felt like home. I still get weepy when I talk about moving out of the home we brought Briana home to.

David had a breakdown for then unknown reasons. He was unable to work.

We lost the apartment we had moved into after we lost our Dream Apartment. We also lost our independence, and had to depend on my in-laws for a place to live.

David got diagnosed. He was devastated. I was relieved to at least know what was happening. His diagnosis caused him to withdraw even further from being able to work with any regularity.

We thought everything was getting better. We felt safe enough to move out. We got our current place.

David had another set of mini-breakdowns, and we’ve had to rely heavily on our families to stay afloat. I have hated every second of being dependent on others to survive. I have hated picking up the phone to ask for yet another loan. I have cried myself to sleep thinking about how I don’t know when we will be able to pay our families back.

We lost Riley. I had my own mini-breakdown. I didn’t stop working while I had it, but my performance at work suffered and my hours were cut. I yelled a lot at David and Briana. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control, and the loss of Riley was definitely the last straw. I felt like it was our turn to catch a break.

We found out we are expecting again. It gave David the boost he needed to get back on track at work. We started getting caught up on bills. Life was improving.

And now…this. David got laid off. Our lives are again two steps away from being a hurricane of uncertainty.

Living like this is so hard. I come from a background of financial instability. My senior year of high school, we lived three months with no electricity, and just before I graduated we were evicted.

So David losing his job is scary, for so many more reasons than having a baby on the way and being financially unstable. It brings back that fear from when I was a kid. It makes me scared for Briana. It makes me think of the summer I lived in a Motel 6 and didn’t know when we would ever have another place. It makes me remember being hungry. It makes me remember taking cold showers and dragging my laundry to friends houses.

It makes me angry.

But mostly, it just makes me feel like I’m 17 and feeling so helpless and not knowing what to do. It makes me wonder if I’m setting my own kids up to fail by not providing for them. It makes me feel stupid for not knowing what I want to do for a career and stupid for not being in school, and angry that I can’t afford school.

In essence, I feel, pardon my language, pretty fucking useless.

David gets a few weeks of pay as a severance package, and there’s unemployment. He will find another job. I might look at getting a second job. Maybe something from home. I feel so lost.

Putting on a “We will be fine” upbeat attitude for David is great, and knowing he doesn’t read my blog or log onto Facebook means I can vent without wariness. But…dammit. I am so sick of life. So very sick of it.


My random blog…

My baby girl is learning several new words a day now. It’s so exciting, but also a little bit scary. It’s just one more thing to add to my growing pile of evidence that she is no longer a baby. She’s growing up. Stretching her little toddler world out a little bit more each day.

She’s got the funniest sense of humor. She doesn’t make jokes yet, but she is quite the comedian anyway, doing things just because she knows I think she’s funny. Today, she said “quack” when I asked her what a cow said, then busted up laughing because she knew that was wrong. Then she said “Briana silly, right mommy?”

I love it. I love her. So. Much.

Wow, pregnancy hormones hitting me right this moment! I am now sobbing because I love my kid so much. Woo hoo! At least no one is here to see me blubbering. You guys won’t judge me, right? šŸ˜‰

I am going to try convincing my husband we need to take Briana to see Santa tomorrow at the mall. I am excited. And this time, I will try to wear something somewhat nice, so that when Briana freaks out and I have to join her in the picture, I won’t feel so frumpy and out of place.

So, apparently, I am having attention span issues today, and this blog is reflecting that. Welcome to the crazy train of Jessica’s thoughts.

Next subject.

We find out the gender of the baby on January 2nd. I am trying to decide if we want to do a gender reveal party or if we will just tell everyone. If it’s another girl, we probably won’t have anyone throwing a baby shower, but I want this baby to not feel left out some day when he/she looks at their baby book, so some sort of celebration or party is a must. Yes? Yes. (I am a second child, lol. Looking at my older brothers baby book made me a little jealous when I was a kid.)

But a gender reveal party may not work, because I have a big mouth. Secrets that belong to me do not stay secret for long! I get so excited. And my dad is coming to the ultrasound, so he will know anyway. Maybe a diaper party, where everyone just brings diapers. Or just a party! A celebration party. Woot! Meh. I’ll figure it out.

My hubby isn’t big on change, so when I told him we needed to rearrange our bedroom to accommodate a crib, he was not thrilled. He likes his desk where it is, thank you very much, and he doesn’t want to move the bed either. But he knows we need to, and I asked him if we could do it sooner rather than later. So we arbitrarily decided we would do it after we found out the gender of the baby. Yay!

I am a weirdo who gets strangely excited about moving furniture. It’s like a bedroom makeover! šŸ™‚ I already know where everything is going, and I’m excited to set up the new baby’s space in our room.

I cannot believe that in four weeks, I will be halfway through this pregnancy. It has simply FLOWN by. Probably because Briana keeps me busy. šŸ™‚

I’m becoming stressed about breastfeeding already. For those of you who weren’t following the blog when it was still MisAdventures of a New Mom, breastfeeding was a struggle with Bri. She had diagnosed tongue tie (which was corrected) and an undiagnosed upper lip tie, which was not corrected, and therefore caused all sorts of problems with her latch, and a lot of pain for me. I ended up expressing my milk and feeding it to her in a bottle for seven and a half months before switching to formula when I went back to work.

I am determined to be more successful at feeding directly from the breast this time, and I’m totally stressing myself out over it. I’ve been pouring over breastfeeding resources and joined a ton of breastfeeding groups on Facebook. I’ve frequented the La Leche League website a ton, and talked to people who successfully breastfed their babies. I’ve got all if this information that I didn’t have before. I feel more prepared, and like I have a good idea of what to expect.

But I’m scared anyway. Even though the intellectual side of me knows that I did my best and provided for Briana in the best way I was capable of at the time, I still feel like such a failure for not sticking it out. I keep doing the “should haves.” I should have done this research last time, I should have asked for more help, I should have insisted on more sessions with the lactation consultant, I should have joined a La Leche group, I should have done this and that and this and that.

I just don’t want to fail this baby like I failed Briana. I want to breastfeed for real.

Anyway…any suggestions for more breastfeeding reading/research/info are greatly appreciated!

Sorry for the random blog. šŸ˜›