The Joy and Pain

I am ecstatic to be pregnant again. Having another child on the way has made me feel more centered and focused, more at peace, than I have since we lost Riley to miscarriage. But there’s also this measure of guilt.

I’ll say something like “the last time I was pregnant” in conversation, and then mentally wince because I’m referring to my pregnancy with Briana, not the pregnancy with Riley. And when I announced my pregnancy on Facebook and when I talk to people about it, we always talk about “Baby Number Two.” But in my heart I’m weeping, because for me, it’s baby number three. I just never got to give birth to one of my children.

But how do you deal with that in casual conversation with acquaintances and people on Facebook who don’t really understand? If I had put “Baby Number 3 is expected to arrive in May of 2015” I would have gotten very confused responses, even from family members and lose friends.

It feels like a betrayal to Riley. It feels like I am cutting Riley out now that we have another baby on the way. I started sobbing the other night, clutching the necklace my aunt gave me for Riley and just promising over and over I wasn’t forgetting. I never would. That some day I would tell Briana and our as-yet-unnamed baby about the sibling they never got to meet, and that Riley would forever be in my heart. But that I didn’t know how to make it easy to understand for people, so I just say “second baby” and cry inside. I hoped Riley understood.

I believe in an afterlife, where families are reunited and together forever. And some day, I will hold the baby I never got to hold on Earth, and I will hug and kiss Riley and give a lifetime of love in an instant. And everything will be okay again.

In the meantime, I am doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy. Being pregnant after miscarriage is terrifying and exhilarating and heart wrenching and amazing and awesome and lovely and sad all at the same time. I am trying to focus on the positives for the most part.

The nausea is starting to pass. I’ve gained back three of the nine pounds I lost. I’ve made it to the second trimester. I have felt the baby move (I felt it early with Briana, too) and feel the baby move a little more every day. In about five or six weeks we get to have another ultrasound and find out baby’s gender.

And I am reminding myself evey time I start to feel guilty, enjoying this pregnancy is not a betrayal to Riley. It’s a celebration of new life and new beginnings. It’s living in the moment. It’s a GOOD thing. I am thinking that, wherever my Angel baby is right now, Riley understands.


I know it’s been a while…

I haven’t blogged in a few weeks, and there is a reason for that. But first let me just say that on November 5th, my baby girl turned 2. I can’t believe she’s two already! I swear we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday. The kid is growing up too fast for my liking. She can slow down any day now…

We took her to her well-child check-up at the doctor on Friday. She’s now 24lbs 12.8oz (25th percentile) and 34.25 inches tall (71st percentile). Her nurse-practitioner says that she is doing fabulously, hitting all of her milestones and looking great. We have a very healthy toddler on our hands.

Her vocabulary is getting larger every day, and she is definitely using her words to communicate more effectively. I noticed in just the last two or three weeks that she is really working hard to use sentences and communicate her needs and wants. And if we say “What, baby? I don’t understand,” she tries to repeat herself more clearly. It’s a pretty amazing thing to watch a toddler discover language.

I’ve stopped trying to keep track of every new word she learns, but if I had to guess is say she is somewhere between 200 and 300 words now. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

My favorite words in her vocabulary are “wuv you,” “hank you” (for thank you), “pwease,” “hug,” and “kiss.” Also story, book, and read!

Her favorite movies (which I know she shouldn’t have yet) are Frozen (“Elsa”), Happy Feet (“pen-gin”), and Finding Nemo (“fishy”). Her favorite show is Daniel Tiger, which she pronounces correctly. 🙂

She loves calling my dad (Papa) via FaceTime, and always wants to talk to my grandma (GG) too. She loves to read (well, flip through her books anyway) and be read to. She loves stacking blocks into towers (and subsequently knocking them down and yelling “oops!”) and she loves playing with her Little People toys and her baby dolls.

We were working on potty training her but it turned into a big struggle and she was in tears about using the potty, and I just decided it was too early. We will try again in a month or two…or three. When she seems ready to try again.

Our big battle for a week or so was keeping her diaper on her at night and during nap time. She was taking them off and then wetting her bed. I managed to stop that by putting a onesie on over her pajamas (or over her outfit for her naps) so that she couldn’t get to the diaper. This has worked for a couple of weeks…keep your fingers crossed that she doesn’t get more creative!

Anyway, that’s sort of what’s been happening with B!

So, now. Reasons for not blogging.

I’m really, really terrible at keeping secrets. Not when they are someone else’s secrets, but when it’s my own. I get really excited and just blurt it out. So I had to stop blogging until I was ready to share this one, because my fingers kept running away with me and blurting out my secret!


On September 15, we found out that we are expecting. I am 12 weeks pregnant, and due May 26th, if you base it on my last period. If you base it on the measurements they took during my ultrasound, I am 11 weeks 5 days pregnant, and due on May 28th. Either way, we are so excited to have another baby on the way.


When I was pregnant with Briana, we told everyone very early on. But since we miscarried Riley, I was scared. I didn’t want to share right away, I wanted to keep it secret and private and sacred. I told a few people, mainly family, a couple friends, but I didn’t want to blast it on social media or my blog until I felt more confident and sure that this time, everything was going to be okay. And I am just starting to reach that point.

I’m almost at the end of my first trimester. I have been feeling miserably nauseous for weeks now, and I’ve actually lost 8 pounds. (My OB isn’t worried. And I’ve stopped losing weight.) We saw the baby moving and gummy-bear like on the ultrasound in my 9th week, and last week I heard the baby’s heartbeat. 140 strong and glorious beats per minute.

My diet is terrible right now, but my OB instructed me to eat whatever I could stomach until I started feeling better. (Thank God for prenatal vitamins and omega 3 supplements!) So right now I’ve been eating a lot of Totinos pizza, tortilla chips with salsa (vitamin c!), baked potatoes, toast, toasted bagels, boiled eggs, and cereal. Sometimes I manage to eat a real meal, like chicken and rice, or breaded chicken and mashed potatoes. And I eat veggies and fruits as often as I can, too.

I’m hoping in the next couple of weeks I start to feel better. I’m getting tired of pizza, which takes some doing!!

Anyway, this blog is getting long. I just wanted to share our good news. I’ll try to be around more often!!