If I had not miscarried in October, my due date would be right around the corner. June 8th. I have been trying not to think about it. Today, I nearly cried at work, because I was helping a customer with a WIC transaction, and the expiration date of the check was June 8th. My breath caught in my throat, and I had to take a mental step back and regroup. It totally caught me by surprise.
“It’s just a date, don’t be stupid!” I told myself. “Get a grip!”
It will never be “just a date” to me again. It will always be the day I wonder what our child would have been like. It will always be the day that the loss hurts more than other days.
I requested that day off of work. I haven’t decided if I am going to arrange a babysitter and stay in bed all day crying, or if I’m going to take my baby girl to the park or the beach or the zoo or the children’s museum or aquarium. I don’t know. I think I’ll take Bri somewhere. Maybe. I’m worried I”ll be a wreck. I’ve always been a very emotional person, and I don’t handle loss well. I cry like an idiot at random times, and feel super depressed, and then sometimes I rage and storm at nothing in particular and feel very defeated afterwards.
Telling myself it’s just another day on the calendar doesn’t help. October 10th, the day I lost the baby, and June 8th, the day I was supposed to be due…they’ll be terrible days for a while.
I’m going to light a candle on the 8th. Maybe that will help me feel better. I’ll light a candle and sing the song I used to sing to Bri when she was a newborn, and I’ll say goodbye again. And then I’ll hug the baby I still I have really tight and tell her that I love her. Maybe that will help. Or maybe it won’t. But it’s something to do, right?
(Should Be A) Mama of Two
P.S. I couldn’t go around calling the baby we lost “it” anymore. We didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. I told David I needed to name the baby, just for us, just for something to say other than “it.” So we named the baby together. We chose Riley. It works for a boy or a girl. I think it’s a nice name.